Every day I wake up and don't want to get up. I stare at the ceiling and think that if I didn't fuck up, I could havebeen someone. I believe I'm as smart as my friends, but am I? Am I really capable of doing what they did? Maybe. I'll never know, but let's assume I am for a moment. I could be a sophmore in city w/ Ken, that'd be great. Or I could be in a UC like Phillip, also nice.
But no, I'm a fucking 5th year senior who just might fail 'cause he procrastinated and his computer is fucking gay.
Whose fault is it, really? Is it my teachers fault for not telling me how the transfer from middle school to high school worked? That I should be looking for which High School I wanted to go to? Is it my parents fault for the same reason? Was it my fault for not inquiring? Whoever is at fault, I did not understand how that fucking shit worked, so I was not registered with any High School in time and had to go to fucking Alma Heights and just get screwed up there.
In fact I got so screwed up I only lasted half a year. Fucking A, after that everyone in my family just got mad at me for not going to school, instead of helping me with it, they wanted to slap me on the wrist. There's a lot of love.
Then I got to Oceana and fell in with the wrong crowd, sadly enough it's so pathetic when I say that because the wrong crowd wasn't even cool. I started cutting school to go to DNA and play cards! God what a fucking retard. It's all I thought about and did my sophomore year. And of course the family said whatever to it. No one in my family really helped me in school, they were too bust with their own fucking lives. My mom, my sister and my dad all had new SOs and I was barely in their life.
I still am. They try to make an effort, but I don't care, they can't make up for lost time and the past that I could have.
Yes, I met Crystal and I'm grateful for that, but there's always going to be that thing in the back of my head that says, "I could have been someone." Which would be fine if I could ifnd a scapegoat, but I can't find one, I can only blame myself, no matter how I look at it. I'm filled with so much self-loathing that I'm amazed I don't yell at a mirror, I've managed to keep it sated and not commit suicide because I keep hoping tomorrow things will get better.
But they don't. I just get bombarded with more and more shit that just proves I have no special skills or abilities. If I'm not going to be good academically, I wish I had outside skills to fall back on, but that's not an option with me.
I'm good at nothing.
I'm good FOR nothing.
I wake up every morning and don't want to get up, but I do because it's expected of me.
