Okay, yes, my blog has been getting retarded.

Anyway. I slept four about 30 minutes then woke up and switched back and fourth for God knew how long. I said fuck it and started playing Curveball. IT's like Pong except 3-d and you can give the ball spin. Anyway I beat Ken's score, my score is 22580 Ken had 21k or something. So yes. It's now early in the morning and for once Helen and I are exchanging remarks. I use that term because we don't talk, at least not anymore. We never really did but we used to hang out together on AOL chats and I sort of miss it, now she's all... well... different.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with the way things are now with my relationships with people and stuff online and offline, because I'm fine with it but, now follow me carefully because I think onlny one of my readers will understand:

I miss the old days of AOL so much I want to cry.

Back then friends were fun and peopel to talk to to be happy.

Now Chase and I just talk about his art and what we've one recently. Jan is null and void in my life. My cousin Terri is an elitest novel writing RPer and what the fuck happened to Helen? Now she's an anime con going, cosplaying, RP hating IRC FTP using cynical person.

Don't get me wrong none of this is bad. I've always believed in change and that all personalities are good, no matter what. Different strokes for different folks. I like my things and some people hate them, so I let them. (And you should too, tolerance rocks)

I miss RPing with Chase and talking about video games all excited like. I miss Jan. I miss seeing my cousin role-play instead of expanding her vocabulary. I miss cutesy manic Helen who used to be fun. I miss being loved.

That's it. That's why. Back then, people LOVED me. They used to get excited when I got online. "Oh, there's Nathan! Cool! ::IM::" Now everyone has grown up and has better things to do.

Chase has Kristin, Jan has a life, Terri has Tyler and Helen has her anime clique.

I have always believed that life is nothing but a series of masks that you wear. The polite one near family and guests. The crazy one chilling with friends. The thought mask at school. The online mask is the strongest one of all. No one sees your face or body. No one hears your voice and no one knows where your from. You are words. Strangely enough, even though it is a big mask that hides many things, I feel that it isn't a mask at all, more of a filter, one that shows your true personality.

It saddens me that everyone I miss has put this mask away and I'm left behind.

I cling tightly to the internet and I use it often in hopes of catching these people when they put it back on.

So I'm kind of glad Helen and I have exchanged remarks. I don't know when I'll be able to hold a solid string of them in the future. Or if I'll be able to do so again.

It's funny, I try many times to initiate conversations with these people online and, with Terri, off, but since they're not the same I don't know what to say. I'm stuck in the past and am uncomfortable with the present. How am I supposed to cope?

I guess only time will tell.

This is my goodbye. Goodbye to what I loved and knew. Goodbye RedfieldCh, LovelynV, VLdyDrkHrt and TurkElena0.

PlatnmWpn is still here.

Alone.