r note, Christmas stuff is almost out of the way.

I was taking a nap and had to dreams of different extremes, and I feel like blogging them.

The first one opened up with a guy looking at dirty poster and seemed like an episode of some show on MTV where they would bust a guy in front of his girl, making him out to be a really big perv/jerk or something. Eventually I took the role of this guy on and throughout the show they kept stting me up but I kept figuring out how to avoid looking like a jerk, Also ist happened to be my birthday and people kept giving me gifts. Anyway something happened and Crystal was about to leave and go home whentwo guys who were with me the entire "episode" dogpiled me and said, "wait we have one more gift for you man" in a suggestive way. Then they pulled this rolled up poster and started unrolling it slowly, one of them started making cat calls. Crystal looked disgusted and left, I couldn't move to stop her. Guy 2 grabbed the poster from guy 1 and said, "woooowie!" At this point I was pretty angry but when they turned the poster to face me it was just a photo of Crystal in a beautiful white dress and ifnally they got off my back. I don't know why, but I felt that the picture was some kind of picture of an important moment in my life, like Prom or something (though I can't recall Crystal wearing any dress like this) and I ran to the window and banged on it and putting the picture against the window, I started crying because of how beautiful she looked in the picture. She turned around from where she was on the sidewalk and smiled at me. I woke up.

Dream two I was visiting Crystal at some.. place, it was a vacation spot of some kind, there was a pool and people in swimwear. We weren't together the whole time, instead I was always busy trying to get snacks or find someone else or something, I can't totally remember. Anyway, there were a bunch of peopel there and everyone had something mean to say to me and I just felt like trash. There were people from my life and random people I've never met just being plain mean, I couldn't get a break from anyone at all. The few times I WAS with Crystal she seemed almost to ignore me and talk to these other people who were being mean to me and she wouldn't do anything to stop them or even look at me to show she was sorry for her friends' behavior. Also, she seemed meaner and more, I don't know how to explain it, "normal?" More callous to my feelings, only wanting to have fun and laughing at cruel jokes about people like her friends "fag" jokes and other demeaning sort of things. I don't know, she seemed like one of those peopel one Jackass for some reason, that I really dislike. Finally we had a class together and we had to walk quite a distance, the entire walk was an awkward silence, like she didn't want to talk to me and I couldn't think of anything to say. During the class even teh teacher was berating me and I couldn't take it anymore, I got up and left. She got up and came after me and I don't know why but I felt the needto get away from that place, so I ran as fast as I could, and did things to try and bar her way, lock doors, etc. I get back to the beach and she just goes back and hangs out with her two asshole friends and I start to walk towards the snackbar (not sure why, since I wanted to leave). She yelled after me, "This is who I am now, deal with it!" I turned around ran at her, yelling, "What happened to the Crystal I loved!?" And then I see the flash of a knife and fell a stabbing pain in my back. Falling, I wake up.

One right after the other, I don't know how to feel right now.

Let's put some beasts to bed.

On Davis Visitation:

If you'll want to know what kind of person I am, I'm spur of the moment. I'm your average American guy with an attention span of about 30 seconds like everyone else, what kind of person did you think I was? Intelligent? Attentive? Focused!? You're sorely mistaken. Currently there are a lot of heads nodding and the like but I can admit these things, at least. That's no small compensation, just a fact. Now, on Friday, the 5th of December I did have the Widowmakers over at my house to acomplish some much needed role-playing and hitting an important climax in Phillip's impresive story (I'm not just sucking dick, no that's saved for Ken) and I was overwhelmed with excitement, anticipation and FFXI that the idea of going to Davis the week following slipped my mind, yes I know that sounds dumb, but I'm just being honest. With the days before and after being filled with leveling my character, trying to decide whether or not to make a a character on a new server and trying not to interupt people so they could their finals done, it never clicked in my tiny little mind that Phillip would be in Davis and that he would deem it necessary for me to visit him. Why? Multiple reasons. Firstly that I had seen him in Daly City the day of my departure and that the idea of Phillip in Davis seems to never have sunk in, since I always thought of everyone being far off in College: Danny, Phillip, Jane, etc. Even when they are relatively close. Some gears didn't click and some matches didn't light. For whatever reason I didn't associate him with Davis. When a conversation commenced with him online about my informing him, I didn't expect him to be so hurt, I always expected him to be more mellow and down to earth. People can be surprising. The nature of the conversation led me to understand that he was upset and decided he wanted to cool off before continuing, so I let it alone. I was not deliberately avoiding, dodging or hiding from him. My Trillian was on to explain my condition and current actions and my Phone was on to recieve any messages or conversations. Not during that whole week was I contacted by him, I didn't feel it was necessary, even if others felt it was. The week to follow was silent as well until later in that week (I can not say exactly what day, my phone does not log conversations) when I was informed to read a blog posting. I did so and decided that even though it seemed he wanted an immediete response, I would hold off until I was a little less emotional and more capable of sensical thought in order to explain myself. The following day I was phoned while I was asleep and a voice mail was left. He seemed very upset. There wasn't much I could respond with at the moment so I saved it for later. Later would have to also have been after this weekend, when I went to Tahoe with family. I did a lot of thinking on the ride there and back about life and other things. Anyway, point in case that's how things happened and why the first set happened at all.

On Friendship:

"So I thought we were on the same level." We were for a very long time and at a certain point, it stopped. In fact since the year of 1998 I have been very different from you and my other friends, I'm not saying better or worse, just different. But that is when academics sort of fell off the face of the planet and other things became more important. The combination of adolescent hormones and parental seperation decided to run a rampage on my life And as my mother, sister and other members of my family can attest, the way I deal with things is internal, so it never showed. Maybe it did, you tell me. Anyway, as far as things went, you went on to a great high school and Nathan got left behind in the dust. At first I was without a guiding hand, no one told me how to apply or even look around for high schools. No, mother and father were busy of course, trying to salvage things. Sister had her own thing and way to deal. Why would I bother speaking up? Everyone was hurting and no one was there to ask. Friends didn't seem the right place to turn to and the stupid School Counselor!? WTF!? A complete stranger to me, so I just remained silent for those stupid 50 minute sessions. Finally someone took interest in my education. My mother had been Born Again and alluva sudden I NEEDED to go to Alma heights, fine. I went. For half a semester. Then I said fuckit. Then Oceana was presented to me by my mother after she had finally leveled off the Anti-Depressents and the greatest high of God Himself. So I went. There on in my path was VERY different from anyone elses. While many peopel start and finish in the pbulic school system, many others started Private and eased into Public, a la Ken, etc. Instead I was hurled from Private to Nazi-Strict, to Public and I never really recovered. Because of the shift in gears I abused the lenience of public highschool. 5 Years of Highschool later, Phillip and I were two completely different people. Throughout the years we still managed to work things out, thankfully. And hopefully this works out too.

On Security:

Before I continue, I must put a defense barrier up for those who are in or have been in an online relationship. No flaming, no judgement be placed on us/them, etc.

Phillip made a small note about my insecurity of him taking Crystal. Whether this is an explination or an excuse is up to you to decide. My father's infidelity had already put a large dent in my faith in mankind, and just before I got switched onto the opposite sex. I also got plugged into the internet, where I met dozens, if not hundreds of people at once. After a fair amount of time I fell into mix with some people and built up nice relationships with them. How do I explain this without making me feel, look, or sound like a complete idiot I can't. There was this guy and these two roommates. Let's just call them A and B and Guy. Guy liked A and I liked B. We both built relationships with them for a good amount of time and were fairly happy. Hell we even made three way calls with four people on the line, two male voices and two female voices, that made them all real to me. Then about 6 months later, B got into an accident. I was saddened of course. Then her alleged hospital time was up, and she was to be sent to Germany to live with her father. More sadness. Finally one day, A decided to call me and give me some bad news. There was a third girl, C, which was the other person on the phone during our conversations. A and C had made up fictional girl B. Oh me oh my, what's Nathan to do now? Hrm, I don't know hate everything? Oh, perfect timing! I just started hating Alma Heights too! Wow! Let's drop Nathan more Bombs. Girl A decided she like Guy better than me and Girl C never cared. Alrighty. With no faith in love or mankind left, you can see my security issues.


On Steve:

I need to vent this, whether I'm right or wrong. Steve's only original reason to play FFXI was the fact that many of us were playing. Me, him, Jimmy and CJ. Jimmy rarely plays, if ever and CJ just up and quit, as CJ is very prone to doing. Steve was of course a bit agitated and shrugged it off. He also wanted to experiment with apparently EVERY job in FFXI whereas I knew exactly what I wanted. Part of his desire to experiment was to find something he liked (which seemed to be nothing) and part of it was that he wanted the team of 4 ( Me, him, CJ and Jmmy) to be balanced. since their drop a team of 2 can do nothing and can also never be balanced. So he proceeded to earn every job and level them up to 14 or so, while I continued to do the few things I liked. Thus his game became one of experimenting and leveling alone, so he complained to me about how the game became a solo game. I'm not sure what to do now, he seemed pretty angry and I'm not sure how to even initate a conversation after his vent. I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know what I should have done while he level his jobs to 14. Should I have stopped and waited?

On Terri:

It's none of my business, but understand that I have strong feelings about your current relationship, more on this if desired.

So ends Nathan's vent. Everyone else had a chance to blow their's all over my face. That was a return volley.

Going to Tahoe. Be back Sunday. Stuff. Deal iwith it 'till I get back.

Have fun with Pete, Ken.

All I have to say is WOW!!!

[21:04:48] *** Ken wants to directly connect.
[21:04:48] *** Ken is now directly connected.
[21:05:28] *** Ken is trying to send you "pols12 essay.doc".
[21:05:31] *** You have received C:\Temporary\pols12 essay.doc.
[21:05:39] Ken: tell me what you think of that
[21:09:52] Nathan: one sec
[21:10:02] Ken: ?
[21:10:13] Ken: what?
[21:11:50] Nathan: i meant hold on for oen second
[21:11:52] Nathan: WTF are you
[21:11:55] Nathan: retarded?
[21:12:13] Ken: i don't know whayt the fuck you are talking about
[21:15:41] Nathan: looks good, just reread it for typos
[21:15:51] Ken: what?
[21:15:54] Ken: i sent that ot you
[21:16:01] Ken: i thought i sent it to nathan
[21:16:31] Ken: strabge
[21:16:33] Ken: but ok
[21:20:16] Nathan: lol wtf
[21:20:21] Nathan: are you high?
[21:20:32] Ken: i swear
[21:20:35] Ken: i snet that to him
[21:20:45] Ken: i clicked send a file in his box
[21:20:55] Nathan: ???
[21:21:49] Ken: i dunno
[21:23:46] Nathan: SO HIGH
[21:24:18] Ken: shuttup
[21:24:29] Nathan: Too late now, you've been blogged, sir.
[21:24:34] *** Ken is trying to send you "pols12 essay.doc".
[21:24:37] *** You have received C:\Temporary\pols12 essay.doc.
[21:24:53] Ken: damit
[21:26:20] Nathan: so good
[21:26:24] Nathan: [21:26:04] Crystal: Maybe he knows a another Nathan? Wow, ... uh... hope Ken's okay.
[21:26:49] Ken: whos that
[21:26:53] Ken: whats your blog?
[21:27:58] Nathan: That's crystal
[21:28:04] Nathan: tamago.blogspot.com
[21:28:24] Ken: wait wait wait
[21:28:26] Ken: nathan?
[21:28:55] Nathan: WOAH
[21:28:57] Nathan: SO GOOD
[21:29:03] Ken:
"

CJ: SO HIGH
Ken: shuttup
CJ: Too late now, you've been blogged, sir.
Ken: damit
CJ: so good
CJ: [21:26:04] Crystal: Maybe he knows a another Nathan? Wow, ... uh... hope Ken's okay.
Ken: whos that
Ken: whats your blog?
CJ: That's crystal
CJ: tamago.blogspot.com
Ken: wait wait wait
Ken: nathan?

"
[21:29:09] Ken: thats the convo i've been hving
[21:29:11] Nathan: SO GOOD
[21:29:20] Ken: what the hell is goingon
[21:29:20] Nathan: HOT PRogram error action
[21:29:24] Ken: wowo
[21:29:25] Ken: wow
[21:29:27] Ken: amazing
[21:29:29] Nathan: Close the window
[21:29:32] *** Ken direct connection is closed (couldn't send packet!).