Meh.
Nathan Tamayo
March 4, 2003
Every time a person wants to eat out, one must not only take into account the food, environment and cost of dining at restaurants, but they must also consider the service. There are a myriad of waiter types, and I would like to discuss just a few of the less pleasurable ones as I have observed them in their natural habitat.
Ignorant
The Ignorant likes to completely forget about certain tables, while some tables are served every free moment that they have. If you have the misfortune of being served by the Ignorant he will not forget about just any old table, but yours in particular. You will spend twenty minutes politely waiting for him to notice your water glass as empty so that he may refill it, then you will attempt to catch his attention by waving your hand for ten minutes. If those two methods fail, which they surely will, you will say, “Excuse me,” whistle, hoot or yell to get his attention, the response you will get will be, “One moment and I’ll be right with you.” One moment turns into two, two turn into four and soon the interest rate is inflating your momentary patience to no ends.
Of course when you’ve become fed up and ask for the bill, he will give it to you post haste.
Forgetful
Once you have been served by Ignorant you will of course go to another place to dine, and you may be served by Forgetful. Forgetful likes to take your orders and is always cheery, she always listens and it’s easy catching her attention, unlike Ignorant. Also unlike Ignorant, she will serve you as soon as she gets a chance. When you are ready to order she will smile politely, nod, write down your order and double-check to make sure she heard you properly. After being served by Ignorant you will be glad that you received prompt and courteous attention and you will gleefully await your meal.
The problem begins once the food arrives. Your sandwich has tomatoes when you specifically asked for none, your drink does not arrive until you request it again and the soup is white clam chowder, not red. Of course people make mistakes, so you politely return the food and wait for the exchange. Upon her return your sandwich has no tomatoes but is on white not rye and you receive tomato soup instead of red clam chowder. Item exchange will happen three or four times. It is also possible for it to happen up to five times, if you are extremely unlucky.
Eventually, you give in to hunger and impatience, and you take the sandwich that is most like what you ordered and eat it, even if it isn’t exactly. Of course the one thing you didn’t notice was the mustard that you are allergic too.
When you receive your hospital bill you will also receive your dinner bill and find that you have been billed thrice for every item you ordered. Do not panic, it happens every time.
Lazy
Lazy is the most sensible of the waiter types I will discuss. He has come to the realization that, just because you are paying for his livelihood, it does not mean that he has to enjoy serving you or make an effort to serve you whatsoever. You can easily identify lazy by his uncanny ability to hold up walls by pressing his back against them. Lazy can do this for hours at a time. It has been hypothesized that if Lazy did not exist many restaurants would collapse, thus many businesses breed them for safety.
Should you risk your life by asking Lazy to serve you, he will do so in a lackadaisical manner because his wall-holding job is more important, interesting and exciting. If he should drop your plates onto your table meekly or drag his feet, it is because he is exhausted from his hard work of wall-holding.
Overachiever
A cousin to Forgetful, Overachiever is also cheerful, polite and sweet. In fact they are so much alike that, at first, it may be difficult to discern the two. Don’t worry, you will figure it out when the meal starts.
Overachiever will make sure that everything is fine. And that everything is fine. And that everything is okay. And that your meal is great. And that you have enough napkins. And that you have enough water. And that everything is fine. And that you’re finding everything pleasing. And that the steak is not too rare. And that everything is fine. And that if you’re done with this, she can take it out of your way. And that if you’re done with that, she can take it out of your way. And that if you want another beverage she can get it for you. And that everything is fine. And that if you want to see the dessert menu, she can recommend some items. And that you have enough cream for your coffee. And will that be all?
Though you don’t have to worry about answering too many questions because she will always ask you when your mouth is full and you can answer with either a polite nod or an extremely rude shake of the head.
Of course she will thank you for dining there and hopes that everything tonight was fine.
As you can see a waiter (or, as we call the female sex, “waitress”) can vary considerably in personality and they can act in many strange and astonishing ways. As we learn more about this magnificent creature we will continue to discover new and exciting species. The waiter is a complicated creature so a patron must beware. Remember, if you encounter any of the above: Do not tip them.
March 4, 2003
Every time a person wants to eat out, one must not only take into account the food, environment and cost of dining at restaurants, but they must also consider the service. There are a myriad of waiter types, and I would like to discuss just a few of the less pleasurable ones as I have observed them in their natural habitat.
Ignorant
The Ignorant likes to completely forget about certain tables, while some tables are served every free moment that they have. If you have the misfortune of being served by the Ignorant he will not forget about just any old table, but yours in particular. You will spend twenty minutes politely waiting for him to notice your water glass as empty so that he may refill it, then you will attempt to catch his attention by waving your hand for ten minutes. If those two methods fail, which they surely will, you will say, “Excuse me,” whistle, hoot or yell to get his attention, the response you will get will be, “One moment and I’ll be right with you.” One moment turns into two, two turn into four and soon the interest rate is inflating your momentary patience to no ends.
Of course when you’ve become fed up and ask for the bill, he will give it to you post haste.
Forgetful
Once you have been served by Ignorant you will of course go to another place to dine, and you may be served by Forgetful. Forgetful likes to take your orders and is always cheery, she always listens and it’s easy catching her attention, unlike Ignorant. Also unlike Ignorant, she will serve you as soon as she gets a chance. When you are ready to order she will smile politely, nod, write down your order and double-check to make sure she heard you properly. After being served by Ignorant you will be glad that you received prompt and courteous attention and you will gleefully await your meal.
The problem begins once the food arrives. Your sandwich has tomatoes when you specifically asked for none, your drink does not arrive until you request it again and the soup is white clam chowder, not red. Of course people make mistakes, so you politely return the food and wait for the exchange. Upon her return your sandwich has no tomatoes but is on white not rye and you receive tomato soup instead of red clam chowder. Item exchange will happen three or four times. It is also possible for it to happen up to five times, if you are extremely unlucky.
Eventually, you give in to hunger and impatience, and you take the sandwich that is most like what you ordered and eat it, even if it isn’t exactly. Of course the one thing you didn’t notice was the mustard that you are allergic too.
When you receive your hospital bill you will also receive your dinner bill and find that you have been billed thrice for every item you ordered. Do not panic, it happens every time.
Lazy
Lazy is the most sensible of the waiter types I will discuss. He has come to the realization that, just because you are paying for his livelihood, it does not mean that he has to enjoy serving you or make an effort to serve you whatsoever. You can easily identify lazy by his uncanny ability to hold up walls by pressing his back against them. Lazy can do this for hours at a time. It has been hypothesized that if Lazy did not exist many restaurants would collapse, thus many businesses breed them for safety.
Should you risk your life by asking Lazy to serve you, he will do so in a lackadaisical manner because his wall-holding job is more important, interesting and exciting. If he should drop your plates onto your table meekly or drag his feet, it is because he is exhausted from his hard work of wall-holding.
Overachiever
A cousin to Forgetful, Overachiever is also cheerful, polite and sweet. In fact they are so much alike that, at first, it may be difficult to discern the two. Don’t worry, you will figure it out when the meal starts.
Overachiever will make sure that everything is fine. And that everything is fine. And that everything is okay. And that your meal is great. And that you have enough napkins. And that you have enough water. And that everything is fine. And that you’re finding everything pleasing. And that the steak is not too rare. And that everything is fine. And that if you’re done with this, she can take it out of your way. And that if you’re done with that, she can take it out of your way. And that if you want another beverage she can get it for you. And that everything is fine. And that if you want to see the dessert menu, she can recommend some items. And that you have enough cream for your coffee. And will that be all?
Though you don’t have to worry about answering too many questions because she will always ask you when your mouth is full and you can answer with either a polite nod or an extremely rude shake of the head.
Of course she will thank you for dining there and hopes that everything tonight was fine.
As you can see a waiter (or, as we call the female sex, “waitress”) can vary considerably in personality and they can act in many strange and astonishing ways. As we learn more about this magnificent creature we will continue to discover new and exciting species. The waiter is a complicated creature so a patron must beware. Remember, if you encounter any of the above: Do not tip them.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home